Claire Engeron
Hear Claire’s story of fear repetative violations and a forgiveness that can only come from God.
Claire, as a child grew up in the quaint, picturesque suburbs of London, England. She has a gripping and compelling true story of being sexually violated. Her sexually abusive childhood agonizingly continued over years that caused her to suffer intense fear, anguish, and torment. A further forced attack in her adolescence finally caused an emotional melt down that pushed her to the brink of a mental battle with suicide and desperately looking for a way of escape . . .
I have a question that I would really like an answer to. It may seem like a silly question to many:
What exactly is “Forgiveness”? I am not talking about God forgiving us per se. I know God says to forgive – - but what exactly does forgiveness mean? What does it look like, what does it feel like, how do you know if you have forgiven? Is it a feeling? Is it an action? Is it just a decision? I really, really need to know.
I am 60 years old now, but I still have nightmares…. During these nightmares I wake my husband by screaming in my sleep. I resent the power of being violated still creeping into my dreams, disturbing my peace. I still feel anger – - rage really. But I can not talk about what has happened to me. I am highly educated, worked at successful jobs, have had a wonderful marriage to my husband for 30 years. I am a Christian. I have really prayed to release the effects. I still feel rage, anger and real hatred for this person who is still alive, who is a menace to society, who has never worked, is a pedafile, theif, liar, alcoholic, drug addict.
Can you place me on a prayer list? I don’t want to die with unforgiveness in my heart, but I honestly don’t know what forgiveness really is, because I don’t feel peace with how I feel. For so many years I held onto my hatred and anger, as it kept me “safe” as he became afraid of my hatred and anger.
Dear WAW friend, I read your e-mail and my heart just breaks. It breaks because often times I find so many women falling victim to a predator … then after the physical victimization is over, the enemy (Satan) continues to victimize her emotionally & spiritually.
Forgiveness is truly something that is deep and goes beneath the surface of your being. It required blood for us to have that forgiveness.
It’s so important for you to remember that a forgiveness that you may offer is not to set your predator free. It is to set you free. You are not releasing this man from his responsibility or his accountability to God. You are releasing yourself from the prison of the emotions and the trauma that un-forgiveness has on you.
Sometimes we even need something tangible to actually exercise that forgiveness.
What I have done is asked Claire to share from her heart with you about the forgiveness God gave to her to give to her dad. I wanted you to hear from someone that has traveled the very same path you have traveled. Somehow, for some reason, there is comfort knowing that the person that is sharing with you has traveled a road you are about to travel.
Claire wanted to read, to pray and take her time in responding to you as her heart is so tender for you.
Please know that we will be praying for you and if you should need anything, please know that I am here any time you should need to talk.
In Him – Lisa Musil
WAW friend,
I know too well the pain of being violated and I am glad you have reached out to us, I hope that through what we have to share with you will be of great help in your time of need. I have prayed and taken time to respond, asking wisdom from the Lord as He knows every hair upon your head, your thoughts, struggles and your pain.
Your question I am sure is one that is asked by many people What exactly is forgiveness? I love the way you express other questions regarding forgiveness and it has caused me to think and ponder . . . to look deeper into God’s Word for the ultimate answer . . . as Christ is all wisdom from above.
Let us look into Matthew 6:12-15 Forgiveness in Scripture.
Looking into the Greek meaning: Means to send, to go to send forth,: cry, forgive, forsake, lay aside leave let (alone, be go, have), Omit put (send) away, remit, suffer yield up…
Let’s take a deeper look using some of the examples from the meaning of forgiveness…
Let ~ Alone
Let ~Be
Let ~Go
In our relationship to God, in prayer we can pour out all that we are holding on within us, in anguish we can cry out to Him. It is as if He is waiting for you to give it to Him, to yield it up to Him in surrender. What you went through is too heavy a load for you to bear. He would plead, daughter .. give that to me, let me take it from you, He was there and knows what happened. Comforting, Jesus would say, daughter it is ok… now you have sent it to Me, lay it aside . . .
Now Let it alone . . . Let it be . . . let it go … let me have that . . The past has to be let go so that we can more forward. Philippians 3:13
When we hold onto bitterness, unforgiveness and anger I believe it does us so much harm. it is like an open wound, no healing will take place when the infection of bitterness, hatred unforgiveness and anger fester there. God in His wisdom asks us in simple obedience by faith to forgive. He is the Great Physician,the One who heals where an earthly doctor cannot reach. Forgiveness indeed is a prescription to help heal deep wounds that have been inflicted on us by others. Our example is Christ Himself . . who uttered those words from the agony of the cross . . Father forgive them . . .
.For myself the understanding of my own sins being forgiven, the sinful wretch that I am forgiven by the shed blood of Christ. Who suffered as an Innocent man, for me whom He loved as a sinner, I stood in my own guilt and shame, Yet became a New Creature in Christ. II Corinthians 5:17
As I grew in knowledge of the Scriptures, I simply in obedience and by faith called my earthly father to tell Him I had forgiven Him. It was freeing to me . . . but His response was excuses and a pitiful almost vile explanation of why he did what he did. If my father had no true repentance . . he will face the anger and wrath of a God who declares . . . there is an appointed time for man to die and then the judgement!
I also suffered nightmares . . . but as I have let go . . .they have faded and I do not get them as much. But when I do I pray, I give it right back to the Lord. I know that you shared you have not told anyone what has happened, In not holding on to the past . . pray about opening up, breaking the torment of the silence and sharing with someone you trust what happened. Although extremely difficult and emotional it may help. I have had women write it out, even expressing the anger and hatred in what they felt they would like do to that person in retribution. Others have a friend they can pray with, so never feel isolated . . there are so many of us and we are here for each other. Please contact us any time . . .
Much love Claire